London – Day 14: Pretty Girls

I’ve been feeling super lonely today… and kinda miserable. Like, I seem to be surrounded by pretty 20-something girls here in the London hostel I’m currently living at, which just reminds me I’m older and ugly.

I think pretty girls are so lucky because they literally can get anything/everything they want in life – not just from men but women too. Like, people “respond” to them, people want to be friends with them, to hire them for jobs, etc. Whereas if you’re ugly people prefer if you don’t exist or are not seen. It’s tough.

I feel like being ugly as a women can sort of ruin your life. I think of all the opportunities I would have had if I’d been pretty. Maybe I wouldn’t have been treated like shit by every guy I dated, maybe I’d be married now to a loving man who appreciates me (cuz I’m so gosh-darn pretty!).

Men worship pretty girls but punish ugly ones. And make-up can only do so much, y’know? Make-up serves to enhance the beauty of pretty girls, but I put on make-up and look like a tranny or just gross.

And it doesn’t matter for guys, y’know, like they don’t have to be good-looking. These days, super-good-looking women date ugly-looking dudes because – beats me! Cause pretty girls are deep-down insecure? I don’t know! But it’s annoying. I mean, if super-good-looking women are dating fat, ugly old men, what’s left for us ugly women? Ugly, old, fat, drug-addled, alcoholic abusers? And even those guys think they deserve the best looking women and punish other women for not being perfect.

I envy pretty girls, they have no idea how wonderful their lives are just because they were blessed with decent genetics.

I feel like I need some chocolate ice cream right now…

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London – Day 13: Regent’s Park

I took a trip to Regent’s Park today before my university classes. My phone broke recently so I was kinda nervous about finding my way there and back without GPS! But it was pretty much a straight route. However I didn’t wander too far in the park for the same reason. I just had a walk over to the boating lake and back to the entrance.

When I first arrived at the park this adorable squirrel came over to me and after studying me for a few seconds it started to climb my leg!! I was a bit scared in case it would bite me – so I didn’t stroke it just in case! It was probably after food. I’ve seen people in London feeding squirrels so I imagine they’re pretty tame. Sadly because my phone was broke I couldn’t get a picture. But it was super cute and just what I needed to cheer me up. It’s typical that my first friend in London is a squirrel! I’m hoping to go back with treats once I have a working phone and see Squirrely again.

Classes today were Information Technology and Discrete Maths – boring AF! Discrete math to me is like… idk… Latin or something. Like the lecture guy may as well have been talking in Latin. Jesus! I don’t know how  I’m gonna pass this Masters course!

London – Day 12: No One Wants To Listen To Your Bullshit Music!

Back-story: I’m homeless in London; I live in a hostel. It’s a hoot.

Wednesday – ok, I gotta rant about these damn kids!

So I live in this hostel in what I dub “The Teenage Girls’ Room” because it’s full of teenage girls! (Probably actually 20-somethings but.. I can’t tell the difference!)

And they’re selfish man! That’s what I don’t like about you New Millennials – you’re parents taught you absolutely Zero manners ZERO! You care about no-one but yourself, y’all are wannabe popstars and think fame is everything and y’all think your worthy of being famous!! Y’all think you’re gonna be the new [whoever you kids are into these days]. Y’all think you’re sooo pretty and sooo awesome even though y’all have shitty music and shitty manners and shitty morals and shitty educations and shitty boyfriends/girlfriends/friends in general, and y’all have no hygiene neither. Y’all think your so lit and so woke but you worship loser-ish men like gods and put women’s liberation back 50 years.

Seriously…

Maybe it’s just cuz y’all are young but y’all watch too much YouTube and Netflix and think you’re worthy of greatness and think you’re gonna be somebody just cuz you got 5000 likes on the ‘Gram or cuz you were featured on Porn Hub with your shitty ex-boyfriend. Get real, y’all are just numbers like us Old Millenials and all the other generations, get used to it.

Very few people are actually worthy of greatness. And what’s so great about greatness anyway? Your still gonna die at the end of the day. Fame does not equal immortality. It equals being put on a pedestal by losers who want to fuck you or become you. And being hated by a lot of other people who want to blame you for shit or who don’t like your shitty music.

I mean, seriously, being able to sing and being Mariah Carey are two different things. Just cause you can “technically” sing, doesn’t mean you have a “great” singing voice. This chick in the Teenage Girls’ Room whips out her damn guitar at 10pm at night and starts twanging away and singing in her mediocre diet-coke voice and I’m like FOR REAL BISH!?!?!?! No one wants to listen to your bullshit music! You’re mediocre. What kinda ego does your generation have that you think people want to listen to your crap at 10pm at night? This ain’t X Factor motherfucker! This is a hostel dorm room at 10 at night and I wanna get some goddamn sleep! You been watching too many movies! Get real with your mediocre self!

You wanna play guitar in the common room – ok. You wanna play it during daytime hours (when I’m far away) – ok. But not 10pm at night, bish. GTFO with your inconsiderate self!

And they’re all like that. Not just this one kid. All these New Millenials are the same: egocentric, full of themselves, narcissistic and they got NO MANNERS. They don’t consider other people because they’re self-absorbed and think the world revolves around them. You are just a number like the rest of us sad losers – go cry, emo kid.

And, another thing, they’re always taking up room. In the common room here at the hostel there’s no where to sit and it’s always so noisy cause these kids put their shit everywhere and steal all the chairs to put their dirty feet on and they put the TV  on super loud or the stereo on super loud to listen/watch what they want because: no consideration for other people!

Assholes!

London – Day 11: What Am I Doing Here?

Backstory: I’m homeless in London, I live in a hostel. It’s a hoot.

Tuesday – This hostel I’m staying at is weird AF, it’s like it’s on another planet or something. Like everyone has cool names here: Harmony…Cleo… Jax…..Emerald…..Charity… like wtf?! Does no-one have normal names!! I’m glad no-one has asked my name cuz I’d be tempted to make something up just to keep up. Anyway, it’s a strange environment. I’m surrounded by pretty 20-somethings which makes my 30-something pug-faced self feel pretty miserable. And I’m lonely all the time…

I sort of wonder what’s gonna become of my life since I’m 30-odd and I have no friends and I ain’t too good at talking to people. Where am I gonna end up? Oh, and I’m living in a fucking hostel! In my 30s! smh… most people my age have house, car, husband, kids, money, etc, etc. I feel kinda inadequate, like I’m a loser for not keeping up with my peers. I feel ashamed when I compare on Facebook, even though I know I shouldn’t do that cuz we’re all on our own individual paths, but it’s hard not to! I feel people are silently judging me, wondering WTF I’m doing, wondering why I don’t “grow up” and settle down. Hey I want to, it’s just my train’s on the wrong track and I’m not sure how to work the switch.

Is my life always gonna be this way? I guess so… I mean, I kinda thought I’m “snap out of it” at 30 and that soo did not happen, so I can’t really believe it’ll happen at 35 or 40 or 50 or 60… unless I make it happen. But I’m not sure how to be like everyone else… If any of y’all figure it out, let me know.

London – Day 10: Thieves

Backstory: I’m homeless in London, I live in a hostel. It’s a hoot.

I feel like this Hostel guy (staff) has a problem with me… like since I got here I’ve been overhearing about things going missing – theft is kinda expected in a place like this: minimal security, lots of travellers, lots of young people who are a) stupid, and b) have limited morals… it’s a recipe for theft. Kids are also over-dramatic and forgetful (easily distracted) – they throw their £300 phone somewhere and forget where they threw it so they instantly blame someone for “stealing” it.

But let me explain the atmosphere here – and why I’m the odd one out… There’s a lot of long-term young pretty girls staying here and the staff are young men who are way over-friendly with these girls (not professional!), like they go out drinking with them and give them special privileges.

I’m older and I stay out of things because, y’know… that’s my right. I am a customer: I pay for the room, I stay in the room – the end. It’s a business transaction.

Because I don’t flirt with the staff I must be “suspicious”. Unfortnately us INTJs always seem suspicious anyway cause we’re kinda poker-faced and don’t react to things…

Anyway, so the staff guy follows me into the dorm room today and is like, “Did you see anyone else sleeping here at 10…11 am?”

I was out around 10… I think… typical anxiety is where you start back-tracking and wondering if you’re somehow in the wrong… I know I had breakfast about 7:30 then I took a shower at about 8:30, I don’t go for the tube train until at least 9:30 because that’s when it’s off-peak. I know I was later setting off today than usual cause my phone broke this morning so I was setting up some stuff on my computer so I could keep in touch with people but I’m sure I set off around… 10..ish. Anyway, that’s beside the point because: I don’t steal people’s stuff!

So he was trying to imply I was the last person in the room and I stole stuff. He was like “things have gone missing from this room…. again…” :evil look: Like, so? Not my problem! And III know that things have gone missing from OTHER rooms too, not just the “Teenage Girls’ Room” (the room I was put in) but also the “New Zealand Dudes’ Room” (the room full of dudes from New Zealand).

Also of note, the door to the “Teenage Girls’ Room” does not always lock properly. It’s a keypad lock and will lock automatically if closed properly but it has to be sort of slammed to lock. If it’s closed gently it doesn’t lock. I also know some people “try” the door as they go past ’cause I hear someone push against it at times…

Anyway, this guy didn’t care to hear this, he just wanted to blame the older chick who doesn’t flirt with him. I make a good scapegoat.

Also of note, while most people in this room are long-termers there is a steady drift of one-nighters so… maybe one of them stole stuff…

But tbh I think people are just lying about stuff being stolen or they just lose stuff. Like I say, you got a lot of young people who don’t think to keep their shit safe. Do I leave my expensive irriplacable shit lying around? Fuck no! Do these kids? Erm, yeah, all the damn time!

Secondly, several of my travelling trips over the years I’ve heard about someone losing a shitload of cash and that just doesn’t make sense to me. One time on a bus to France eons back in my youth we had a break so people could stretch their legs and when everyone got back on the bus this woman was like “Someone stole my money – £500 – I left it on the seat…” Now what the actual fuck? who the hell leaves £500 cash on a seat while they go stretch their legs? Get real! This ish is a scam! They’re hoping – I don’t know – maybe they think they’ll be able to claim insurance or sue the company – I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense to me. Now at this hostel, my first day the New Zealand guy was saying he had £600 stolen that he’d left on his bed. Again, why the F would you leave £600 on your bed while you go somewhere? Get real! Notice it’s always crazy money? £500… £600. Not like just £5 or £20…

Anyway, it’s either a scam or these people are really stupid for leaving that kinda cash around!

Besides, it could be one of the housekeepers because they hire any random assholes here. Although one of the housekeeper guys is really good – like the day he was cleaning, shit was cleaned properly, beds were made properly, I don’t think he stole nothing cuz he takes too much pride in his work, but the other dudes I wouldn’t trust ’em as far as I could throw ’em.

So I’m suspicious cause:
I’m older
I don’t flirt with the staff to get privileges 
I don’t have massive tits that I shove in staffs’ faces to get privileges
I’m not pretty
I mind my own goddamn business

And they’re suggesting like I stay in the room all day sleeping… like what?! I’m out at uni most days. At the weekend I WAS in because this place gave me food poisoning – that’s their fault for not cleaning shit properly. And I sometimes go to my bed to do computer work because it’s the only place I can get the fuck away from these kids and their noise!!! That is not fucking evidence that I’m a thief.

If they wanna stop being dramatic queens and check my bags, they can do that, but they better also check everyone else’s bags including the little girls because otherwise #discrimination. I’m actually worried about people stealing my shit in pseudo-retaliation or something.. I only own like three valuable things in the world: my phone, my credit card, and my laptop – these things I guard with my life. And my phone broke recently so the other shit is even more important now. But these kids are such little drama queens, they just wanna make shit up so they got something to talk about. Uhh, was I ever that young?

London – Day 9: Github and Lazing

Sunday – this is another boring day because I still have food poisoning, still have anxiety, and I’m broke. I’m much more interested in staying indoors than exploring London :shrug: I have to learn Github ready for class tomorrow (MSc Computer Science). I have had to put my other exercises to one side for now to do this. Jeez, I really struggle to keep up with the workload! I’m also feeling really tired and just want to sleep – maybe that’s because it’s cold and I’m depressed. Not sure, could be a lot of things.

I wish I had a warm house and a cat and a friend 🙂 :sigh: A girl can dream…

London – Day 8: Staying In

Saturday – I didn’t really do much today. I got food poisoning which was kinda inevitable in a place like this! Also with my anxiety I don’t really want to go too far, especially when I don’t need to!

I just went over to the nearby Costa in the morning for a coffee (decaf!) but it was kinda busy (like everywhere in London) and was hard to focus on my work. I have loads of homework to do and I’m kinda behind with exercises for class (MSc Computer Science)  cause I find them so hard!!

This afternoon, there was a car accident near the Natural History Museum – no fatalities thankfully – but  got people panicking ’cause there’s been a lot of terrorist attacks in the city using vehicles to run people down, but the police now say this wasn’t terrorist-related, just an accident.

London – Day 7: Trying to get a GP

Friday- So I had three goals for today: do laundry, get a mailbox, register with a GP. Now the point of the mailbox would solely be for job applications and registering with a GP (since I can’t use the hostel address). But I was thinking a lot of places ask for “proof of address” which I won’t have with a mailbox – like no bills or anything will be going there… so… I decided to hold off on the mailbox for the time being since it’s expensive (£40/3mnths) and possibly useless.

For my other tasks, thankfully there was a GP and laundrette not far from each other so I put my clothes in the washer at the launderette and headed over to the GP…. Well, they acted like I was a leper for not having an address. Surely, they should be familiar with people who don’t have addresses. I mean how do refugees, gypsies, nomads, homeless people, travellers, etc, go on for getting medical care if you HAVE to have an address to register with a GP? That is so stupid! So yeah, they were like, “Hell no”, and passed me off onto another centre (gave me details of a different GP) but I doubt that place will be any different. 

I got some anti-anxiety meds from a walk-in centre on Monday but they only gave me a weeks worth and said I need to register with a GP to get more. Even if I could get registered it would take maybe a week to get an appointment and get the meds. I have managed to save some for emergencies because my anxiety isn’t as bad as when I first arrived but people shouldn’t have to ration their meds like this. They should have a better system so people aren’t left suffering.

I may try the other GP on Monday since they’re closed now for the weekend. But going to a GP is a high anxiety situation for me so it’s really hard when I go through that just to get turned away and then I have the worry of how to cope without meds. I also have kidney disease which is supposed to be monitored regularly so that’s a further worry.

As for the laundrette, I was not impressed! I mean, my clothes were clean(ish) and smelled better but it was only a 15 minute wash (for £4!!) and then the dryers were shit and cost me 50p a time. After £1 my clothes were still really wet but I didn’t want to spend more. I ended up having to iron them like crazy back at the hostel. Pff!

London – Day 6: Expenses

Thursday – I consider it a good sign that I somehow overslept this morning – woke up at 7! I was planning to get up early so I could take a shower while the hostel is quiet but it wasn’t too busy even at 7.30. I then had a quick breakfast and headed out because I needed to get some new PJs from Primark. Washing things here is difficult and I only have a couple of things that need washing so far so doesn’t seem worth the money (so I buy more shit instead… that makes sense!) But my night shirt was getting really stinky cuz it’s hot in the hostel so I sweat a lot in the night. So I got two new night tops and a pair of PJ bottoms – I was shocked it came to £16, and they’re all uncomfortably tight – guess I got fat… -_- Then I had lunch which was £6 (chilli with rice and a cup of tea. So… pfff…I’m broke now!

I don’t find London particularly more expensive than anywhere else overall – I mean food from Tesco London costs no different than food from Tesco Anywhere and tube fair outside zone 1 is probably cheaper than comparative transport in the north. But I probably spend more than if I was living in a house and could keep groceries.

Classes today were boring AF. I struggled to stay awake. But I’m done with uni for the week now. Just crap loads of homework for the weekend and gotta do laundry/GP/mailbox tomorrow.

I still feel really lonely in London but :shrug: I don’t know how to find like minded ppl or make friends. Guess I’m gonna continue to be lonely all my life.

London – Day 5: Loneliness

It’s lonely here (for me)… others seem to make friends easily… I witnessed one girl make 9 friends in about 3.5 seconds. She just went over to a group and was like, “Hi”, “What- this, what-that?” You know, like asking lots of questions. But she was smiley and happy and young and pretty so of course people want to be friends with her. I’m not her so people don’t want to be friends with me.

Sometimes I say “hi” to other women and I get a response in a foreign language which reminds me this is an “international” community. Of the English speakers I hear Ozzy accents more than anything else but apparently they’re not Ozzies – they’re New Zealanders – but they sound like Ozzies.

I’m about 10 years older than a lot of people here so I sort of feel like a “mom”. I notice they refer to people my age as “the adults” but don’t really have anything to do with us. We’re on different sides of the fence. Psychologists say that at each stage in life there’s a sort of “death” – I forget the official name of this theory – who we are changes between baby and toddler, toddler and child, child and teen…etc. Although we may retain the memories from the past, we become fundamentally different people. Maybe that’s not true for everyone but for me I think it is. I can’t relate to the 20-something experience anymore, not that I ever fully could…

Many people here are ambitious 20-somethings. They travel the world having “experiences”, they talk about where they’ve been before (Croatia…New Zealand…), where they’re going next… (Tokyo… Dubai…). Stuff I can’t relate to. I’m 30-odd (old enough to have a teenage kid) and I travelled 200 miles from home and had panic attacks. Although I guess I was more ambitious in my 20s but I’ve always been a worrier and been cautious about where I go and what I do. I travelled America and Europe in my late teens and 20s but nowhere as exotic as these people go.

As I get older I find I’m more interested in comfort and familiarity than wild adventures. This experience has made me really understand that development and also understand that the unobserved life (the quiet life), at least for an introvert, is worth living and sometimes much more enjoyable than the observed life.