My First Tattoo: Random Musings

I’ve been thinking for a while about getting a tattoo. When I was a kid I wanted to be covered head to toe in blue leopard print but as I got older I had to think about jobs and how a tattoo might affect me.

Skip forward many years of tattoo-less-ness and I’ve now decided that I never want to have a real-world job ever again. I never wanted a real-world job in the first place but I just thought I had to do that. I didn’t have much courage to stand my ground and fight for what I want in life. I’m still a shy little creep but I have a lot more courage now than I used to have and I’ve seen how successful people have goals and they go for them with everything they got, they don’t give up. And that’s what I need to do.

From my perspective, getting a tattoo is a way of crossing the line and committing to never having a real job again.

Besides, I’m in my 30s and have been umming and arring over tattoos for a long time so… hopefully I’m better mentally equipped to make that decision now than 10 years ago. In fact, if I’d gotten tattoos at 18, I’d very likely have ended up with the kind of tattoo-hot-mess Justin Bieber has. At 30+, there’s two things I’m much more conscious of: a) I will have this damn thing FOREVER! And b) there has to be some sort of continuity if I have multiple tattoos.

I don’t yet know how much a tattoo is gonna hurt, or how it’ll look on my skin. So, these factors will affect whether I have one or more tattoos. Also, I think they’re kinda expensive, right? So, that’ll be another issue. I don’t have a money tree unlike some people.

I’ve never liked the way I look and I also hate how everyone thinks I’m some sweet, little, mousey woman (why can’t they see my inner bad-ass motherf’er!?) so tattoos would both cover the body I hate and show people I’m a bad-ass motherf’er. 2 birds, 1 stone, dudes!

I currently know nothing about tattoos except, well, they look painful (needles!), they take ages to do, they’re expensive, and apparently, they bleed. They bleed?! Am I right in thinking they bleed?! Like, not just after… but during?! Jesus Christ! How come they never show that?! Like, There’s 5 million tattoo pictures online (btw, what’s with all the blind tattoo artists?! Have you seen some of these pics?!) and loads of info guides and only 1 or 2 mention you’re gonna bleed to death!!!? What?!?!

Obviously, I will research tattoo places in advance and go somewhere reputable. I’m not some 15 year old kid hoping to find a place that won’t check my ID. Jeez… I love when 12 year olds give me advice. “Don’t go to John, he did a really really – and I mean, really! – bad job of my SpongeBob tattoo, man! And now my parents are soooo mad, man! You don’t want your parents being mad at you like mine are with me, it sucks sooo bad, man! Anyway, I gotta go, my mom says my dinner’s ready.”

Actually, that’s how I talk…

It sucks soooo bad, man!

Anyway, someone I know (not a friend, I don’t have any friends) has like 12 billion tattoos so I’ll ask her for some advice.

And what about hand tattoos…? Do any of you have hand tattoos? Last time I was at the piercer, someone came in asking for a hand tattoo and they were like, “Sorry, we don’t tattoo hands, it’s bad skin” What’s the deal? Cuz if I don’t hate getting my first tattoo I’d love hand tattoos (I haven’t even gotten my first tattoo and I’m like “yay, hand tattoos!”), so I wanna know more about this. The girl I know doesn’t have any, which might be an indication that they’re a bad idea, idk. I wouldn’t really care if my hand tattoos looked like shit, I just want to conceal my skinny hands and my E.T fingers.

Because I don’t know how much it’ll hurt (or, most importantly, how much it’s gonna cost!) I’m being sensible for my first one and intent to just get some small outline of a cat (because: cats cute!). I like cats, I’ve always liked cats, there’s no immediate danger of me suddenly disliking cats, and an outline will involve less ink so less pain and less money. It’s a safe bet….

Or maybe a planet… or a solar system, or an alien… or – ooh, an alien spaceship…. beaming up a cow….. -ooh, no, an alien spaceship beaming up… a DeLorean! Wait, no, Mulder and Scully! Or “The X Files” or “The truth is out there” or Mulder and Scully and “The X Files” and “The truth is -“ Ok, you know what? I need to… calm down. Let’s just stick with the stupid cat for now, shall we? Jeez! This may hurt really bad, it’s probably best I don’t commit to a mural!

Anyway, I’ll update you guys when I actually get the damn thing which won’t happen until I talk to that chick I know and find some money. Well, I gotta go, my mom says my dinner’s ready.



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