Yes, I admit it. I’m jealous of literally everyone.
Some guy on a train once told me the different between “jealousy” and “envy”. It went something like this: Jealousy is when your man is looking at another woman; envy is when you want to steal your neighbor’s car.
But, whatever! I know as a teacher I should care more about semantics, but I don’t. Jealousy is just an easier go-to word for me, but I see jealousy and envy as interchangeable.
Why am I jealous of everyone? I don’t know! Probably because I’m dissatisfied with my life. And don’t give me all those proverbs about being “happy with what you have.” Yadda yadda. Stuff like that is why I did nothing with my life for 7 years while I tried to make peace with living on a poverty wage. Since I scrapped that idea and became a jealous, envious bish, my life has improved substantially.
Everyone thinks jealousy is all bad and evil, right?
To me, it’s not. I don’t want the person I’m jealous of to suffer. I don’t want to “take” what they have. I also don’t want to be them or live their life. I typically have tons of admiration for the people I’m jealous of. I look up to them, I think they’re awesome. And the act of being jealous of them is sort of a motivator for me, it spurs me on to try to improve my life. I think to myself:
I want what they have.
I don’t have what they have.
How can I get what they have?
Unfinished List Of People I Envy
- Women who look good (they have nice clothes, do their hair, etc)
- Women younger than me
- Women who own their own home
- Women who got asked to dance at prom
- Women who got to go to prom
- Women who have “high school reunions”, whatever those are
- Women who have a loving partner
- Women who are comfortable in their own skin
- Women who can juggle career-husband-kids
- Women who run their own business
- Women who run their own magazine
- Women who don’t have cellulite
- Women who can get up on a stage and speak
- Women who get asked out by men who don’t look like slobs
- Women who have breasts (that are actually visible)
- Women who “go to lunch with the girls”
- Jodie Foster
- People who have a garage
- People who have a garden
- People who have a garden fence
- People who are articulate
- People who always got straight-A’s in school
- People who got to be class president or student rep
- People who had happy, loving childhoods
- People who got to go to sleepovers when they were a kid
- People who got to go to camp when they were a kid
- People who’ve had pillow fights at least once in their life
- People who have parents who actually act like parents
- People who have friends they’ve known since childhood
- People who can write good
- People who have published books
- People who are entrepreneurs
- People who are part of a community
- People who can go to the local store without having heart palpitations
- People who are calm
- People who can paint
- People who can play a musical instrument
- People who can focus enough to achieve things quickly
- People who can drive
- People who own a nice car
- People born into money
- People who have travelled the world
- People who have had actual birthday parties (where people show up)
- People who are “at peace” (no, I don’t mean dead…)
- People who have big families
- People who are content
- People who are confident
- People who are funny
- People who are missed when they’re not around
- People who have good friends
- People who have had loving, stable relationships
- People who have an impressive work history
- People who are chatty
- People who live close to nature
- People who have an impressive resume
- People who live in America
- People who have a PhD
The irony is, as I write this on my laptop while sitting in a cafe, an elderly lady stares at me from the next table… with a look… that almost appears to be… jealousy.