I’m Jealous of Everyone

Yes, I admit it. I’m jealous of literally everyone.

Some guy on a train once told me the different between “jealousy” and “envy”. It went something like this: Jealousy is when your man is looking at another woman; envy is when you want to steal your neighbor’s car.

But, whatever! I know as a teacher I should care more about semantics, but I don’t. Jealousy is just an easier go-to word for me, but I see jealousy and envy as interchangeable.

Why am I jealous of everyone? I don’t know! Probably because I’m dissatisfied with my life. And don’t give me all those proverbs about being “happy with what you have.” Yadda yadda. Stuff like that is why I did nothing with my life for 7 years while I tried to make peace with living on a poverty wage. Since I scrapped that idea and became a jealous, envious bish, my life has improved substantially.

Everyone thinks jealousy is all bad and evil, right?

To me, it’s not. I don’t want the person I’m jealous of to suffer. I don’t want to “take” what they have. I also don’t want to be them or live their life. I typically have tons of admiration for the people I’m jealous of. I look up to them, I think they’re awesome. And the act of being jealous of them is sort of a motivator for me, it spurs me on to try to improve my life. I think to myself:

I want what they have.

I don’t have what they have.

How can I get what they have?


Unfinished List Of People I Envy

  1. Women who look good (they have nice clothes, do their hair, etc)
  2. Women younger than me
  3. Women who own their own home
  4. Women who got asked to dance at prom
  5. Women who got to go to prom
  6. Women who have “high school reunions”, whatever those are
  7. Women who have a loving partner
  8. Women who are comfortable in their own skin
  9. Women who can juggle career-husband-kids
  10. Women who run their own business
  11. Women who run their own magazine
  12. Women who don’t have cellulite
  13. Women who can get up on a stage and speak
  14. Women who get asked out by men who don’t look like slobs
  15. Women who have breasts (that are actually visible)
  16. Women who “go to lunch with the girls”
  17. Jodie Foster
  18. People who have a garage
  19. People who have a garden
  20. People who have a garden fence
  21. People who are articulate
  22. People who always got straight-A’s in school
  23. People who got to be class president or student rep
  24. People who had happy, loving childhoods
  25. People who got to go to sleepovers when they were a kid
  26. People who got to go to camp when they were a kid
  27. People who’ve had pillow fights at least once in their life
  28. People who have parents who actually act like parents
  29. People who have friends they’ve known since childhood
  30. People who can write good
  31. People who have published books
  32. People who are entrepreneurs
  33. People who are part of a community
  34. People who can go to the local store without having heart palpitations
  35. People who are calm
  36. People who can paint
  37. People who can play a musical instrument
  38. People who can focus enough to achieve things quickly
  39. People who can drive
  40. People who own a nice car
  41. People born into money
  42. People who have travelled the world
  43. People who have had actual birthday parties (where people show up)
  44. People who are “at peace” (no, I don’t mean dead…)
  45. People who have big families
  46. People who are content
  47. People who are confident
  48. People who are funny
  49. People who are missed when they’re not around
  50. People who have good friends
  51. People who have had loving, stable relationships
  52. People who have an impressive work history
  53. People who are chatty
  54. People who live close to nature
  55. People who have an impressive resume
  56. People who live in America
  57. People who have a PhD

The irony is, as I write this on my laptop while sitting in a cafe, an elderly lady stares at me from the next table… with a look… that almost appears to be… jealousy.


Why I Hate Motivational Speakers

This post is for all of you who buy into these cult leaders…

You know why people become motivational speakers? I’ll tell you why people become motivational speakers. People become motivational speakers because they want to be worshipped like gods. They have the Messiah Complex. Notice that 99.99% of motivational speakers are dudes. It’s very common for dudes to have Messiah Complexes. They watch too many films about Ancient Egypt when they’re kids and then think it must be the best thing ever to have a harem. So, they grow up and turn their Messiah Complex into a reality by becoming a motivational speaker. It’s also a little bit BDSM: They are the god (dominant) and all their followers are their bitches (submissives).

At some point in the past, your motivational speaker was just a loser like you. Usually a rich loser though. Most of them come from money, even if they (of course!) try to imply otherwise. Then they discover the power of words. Words affect people.

Sometimes it’s the vocabulary, words like: wish, believe, joy, dream, triumph, strength, courage, success, money, power, goal, love, passion, achieve, push, you, you, you, you, you… – lots of repetition! – and don’t forget “we” because “we” are a “team”, “we” are “united” in “unity”.

Sometimes it’s the rhythm. Something good comedians and verbal poets know all about. Hypnotists too. Have you ever listened to chanting? Or the beat of a drum? And it does something to you? …ba-da-dum…ba-da-dum…ba-da-dum…┬áIt sort of connects with your atoms, your heart starts beating in tune to it and it takes you somewhere else? Words can be spoken with such a rhythm that they sort of put you into a little trance. Motivational coaches take advantage of this to convince you to buy their shit and join their haram. Surely, it can’t have escaped you that they all talk in that same Shopping Channel voice, right?

They don’t want you to become successful! They don’t want you to have a good life! Motivational speakers don’t actually motivate people to do anything (except buy their shit). If they did, it wouldn’t be very good for business, would it? I mean, at some point, they’d probably run out of clients from motivating all these people to live happy, satisfactory lives, right?

If motivational speakers are so good, how come they don’t come with a money-back guarantee? How come the same people keep going back to their shows year-in, year-out? I know this chick who has been following a motivational speaker for the past 5 years (along with many other thirsty women) because he has the “power” to enable her find her dream man. She is still single! It makes me think of Weight Watchers or something…

Motivational speakers exist solely to tell dumb people what they want to hear. Of course they do it with a paternalistic, authoritarian tone… that’s all part of the dom-sub thing. Think about what kind of people follow motivational speakers? Who are their target audience? Low-life, bored, old, dissatisfied, fat lazy slobs. Desperate housewives. People who are having a shitty life and want to be reassured that it’s “OK”. People who want to believe they can change their life by listening to someone talking for 18 hours.

Hell, if you take all the time you spend listening to motivational speakers (live, on YouTube, on Twitter, DVDs, books…), you could actually have achieved something! And you wouldn’t be so broke. It makes me think of Scientology or something…

But it’s OK. The motivational speaker is here to reassure you. Cause that’s what motivational speakers do. They tell you what you want to hear. “It’s OK you’re lazy”, “It’s OK you wasted 2 years watching my DVDs”, “It’s OK you haven’t done anything with your life”, “It’s OK my shows bankrupted you”, “Of course you can become a guitar hero at the age of 67! Why not?”, “You can be whatever you want, if you just wish it really, really hard”, they’ll say while flashing you a Hollywood smile. Cash or card?