Why I Hate Motivational Speakers

This post is for all of you who buy into these cult leaders…

You know why people become motivational speakers? I’ll tell you why people become motivational speakers. People become motivational speakers because they want to be worshipped like gods. They have the Messiah Complex. Notice that 99.99% of motivational speakers are dudes. It’s very common for dudes to have Messiah Complexes. They watch too many films about Ancient Egypt when they’re kids and then think it must be the best thing ever to have a harem. So, they grow up and turn their Messiah Complex into a reality by becoming a motivational speaker. It’s also a little bit BDSM: They are the god (dominant) and all their followers are their bitches (submissives).

At some point in the past, your motivational speaker was just a loser like you. Usually a rich loser though. Most of them come from money, even if they (of course!) try to imply otherwise. Then they discover the power of words. Words affect people.

Sometimes it’s the vocabulary, words like: wish, believe, joy, dream, triumph, strength, courage, success, money, power, goal, love, passion, achieve, push, you, you, you, you, you… – lots of repetition! – and don’t forget “we” because “we” are a “team”, “we” are “united” in “unity”.

Sometimes it’s the rhythm. Something good comedians and verbal poets know all about. Hypnotists too. Have you ever listened to chanting? Or the beat of a drum? And it does something to you? …ba-da-dum…ba-da-dum…ba-da-dum…┬áIt sort of connects with your atoms, your heart starts beating in tune to it and it takes you somewhere else? Words can be spoken with such a rhythm that they sort of put you into a little trance. Motivational coaches take advantage of this to convince you to buy their shit and join their haram. Surely, it can’t have escaped you that they all talk in that same Shopping Channel voice, right?

They don’t want you to become successful! They don’t want you to have a good life! Motivational speakers don’t actually motivate people to do anything (except buy their shit). If they did, it wouldn’t be very good for business, would it? I mean, at some point, they’d probably run out of clients from motivating all these people to live happy, satisfactory lives, right?

If motivational speakers are so good, how come they don’t come with a money-back guarantee? How come the same people keep going back to their shows year-in, year-out? I know this chick who has been following a motivational speaker for the past 5 years (along with many other thirsty women) because he has the “power” to enable her find her dream man. She is still single! It makes me think of Weight Watchers or something…

Motivational speakers exist solely to tell dumb people what they want to hear. Of course they do it with a paternalistic, authoritarian tone… that’s all part of the dom-sub thing. Think about what kind of people follow motivational speakers? Who are their target audience? Low-life, bored, old, dissatisfied, fat lazy slobs. Desperate housewives. People who are having a shitty life and want to be reassured that it’s “OK”. People who want to believe they can change their life by listening to someone talking for 18 hours.

Hell, if you take all the time you spend listening to motivational speakers (live, on YouTube, on Twitter, DVDs, books…), you could actually have achieved something! And you wouldn’t be so broke. It makes me think of Scientology or something…

But it’s OK. The motivational speaker is here to reassure you. Cause that’s what motivational speakers do. They tell you what you want to hear. “It’s OK you’re lazy”, “It’s OK you wasted 2 years watching my DVDs”, “It’s OK you haven’t done anything with your life”, “It’s OK my shows bankrupted you”, “Of course you can become a guitar hero at the age of 67! Why not?”, “You can be whatever you want, if you just wish it really, really hard”, they’ll say while flashing you a Hollywood smile. Cash or card?