Tht Grammarly Advert Is Annoying

Oops, I meant That Grammarly Advert Is Annoying. You know the one I mean, right? What do you mean, they’re all annoying? Ok, you’re right! But this one, especially so!

Backstory: Ok, so, sometimes I’m on YouTube and because YouTube is owned by Satan, they force me to watch these evil advertisements. And despite turning personalized ads off 17 hundred times I still get personalized ads, right? Because: Pfff! So anyway, since I’m a teacher, I get all kinds of crap about… well… Grammarly.

So I keep seeing this ad, right? Follow along now…. while it’s still available…. don’t wanna miss out on all the fuuuuun….

Ok, so here’s this lil white hipster with perfect teeth and a rich dad. And she’s like 12 years old, lives in a $1 million apartment and has the whitest name Grammarly could think of: “Lily”. What even-? She’s the new Social Media Manager :slow-fucking-clap: Not the new intern, ok? The new manager. Stay with me. So, there she is at the computer…, “managing”, if we dare call it that :raised eyebrow:

[Scene 1, Act 1]
Lily: La-de-da, type-e-type-e-whitey…

Stereotypically hunky male co-worker with deep husky voice: “Oh no, look, Lily-Wily (can I call you Lily-Wily?), our servers are down! By the way, my name’s Todd, maybe we can go for vanilla milkshakes later at the White Cafe, you know the place, with the white tables and chairs… they serve rice and cauliflower and…. stuff…?” :smouldering look:

Lily’s like: “Sure… but, oh no! The servers are down! How will I cope with the biggest challenge of my entire life… responding to Twitter comments. Not just any Twitter comments! Twitter comments with angry emojis in them!”

:gasp: The struggle is real.

All she’s doing is responding to twitter comments? She’s a manager and that’s her job?

Is that even a job? Are you srrious? Oops, I mean, serious. Thank you Grammarly for saving my life :big fake slow-motion smile complete with hair swish: People get paid to respond to Twitter comments?! If she’s the Social Media Manager then what does the Social Media Assistant do? Insert emojis…? Turn the computer on and off again…? Staple shit…?

And “Lily”, by the way, is in an office that doesn’t look like it hires managers on the cheap. I mean, have you seen the expensive furniture and the exotic plants?! So…, I can only conclude: she’s on a six-figure salary. To respond to Twitter comments. Okay, fine, whatever! Obviously, long ago (when Grammarly was created), I slipped into some sort of alternate dimension where everything is… just… insane!

Ok, now, Grammarly is a load of bullshit because… a, b, c – where do I even begin! Does Grammarly and the people who buy Grammarly not know that most computers have like an automatic spell-checker thingy? I don’t know where it is or exactly who is controlling it… :looks under and behind computer: all I know is when I type stuff on the internet it automatically highlights spelling errors for me like an invisible lil buddy. Aww! Some of my devices even auto-correct. That’s why the term “auto-correct” exists because that is an actual thing that exists… And I’m going to assume most people have this or some other free alternative to Grammarly, because: common sense. And I didn’t have to pay rich white people for it (grammar, nor common sense).

Ok, next thing is, watch the ad closely…. closely… Lily is spending like HALF AN HOUR correcting the FIVE MILLION typos she made. It’s a 4-step process: she has to direct her mouse to the typo, right click, find the correct word (does she even know…? Shhh, don’t distract her, she’s concentrating very very hard…) then click the correct word and “Yay!” she applauds herself for being so goshdarn smart! But she has to do this for every single typo she has and…

Ok, this is the next part that gets me: she made tons of typos in a 160-character comment! Not just one comment either, every.single.comment she wrote! How the hell did she get that job in the first place if her grammar is that bad?!

Ok, I’m done. Time for my weekly mental breakdown…

Advertisements

This Funkin White Girl!

God, there’s this girl at my placement who is so funkin white! I mean, I don’t just dislike her cause she’s white, cause I’m white so that would be dumb but what non-whites don’t realize is there are many shades of white. Since I started being around more people from diverse backgrounds, I’ve noticed how white some white people are – not just in person but on TV, the internet, Google image results – it’s like damn, I am blinded by the white! And you know when people say “Becky” or – one I like to include : “Stacey”? Ok, well this white girl is Becky/Stacey on white girl drugs.

She did this presentation to the class and it was the whitest thing I have ever seen since the last super-white thing I saw.  I personally think in todays multicultural world, there is no room for this Stacey/Becky BS, this white-washing of everything.

Ok, let me get to the nitty-gritty before y’all cuss me to hell and back. So she did this presentation and all the pictures in the presentation were of super-white people. Not just white people. They weren’t just white. They were super-white. Like I needed sunglasses to protect my eyes from the blinding white. Like these were pictures of white people who you just know have a mortgage and they got the 2 perfect white kids and a real, friendly white labradoodle and a neat little white picket fence and a joint back account with some really white bank and their super-well-behaved white kids go to the super-good white school and they have a white Range Rover parked on the white marble driveway and they have bbq’s with like vegan sh*t and their super-white neighbors with their equally perfect white kids come over and everything is all very pleasant and no one swears, and then they have vanilla ice cream and sh*t.

And then this presentation had a story in it and I swear to you, it was the whitest story ever! It was some bs like “Todd and Stacey are watching [super-white-people-movie] then Todd says [super-white-people-sh*t] and Stacey says [equally super-white-people-sh*t] and then they both do [super-white-people-sh*t].

Even down to the food they were eating was like super-white-people food. I was like, does this bish not notice how white her presentation is? There is no color in this at all. At all! At all! It wasn’t diverse, it was just white, like the presentation was made in some alternate universe where only white people exist. It was some Pear Soap sh*t.

And she just p*sses me off anyway so I find fault with everything she does. Has anyone ever p*ssed you off and then everything they do p*sses you off? Like the way they walk starts to p*ss you off? Or the way they say a certain word starts to p*ss you off? That’s how I feel about this bish. I don’t even remember quite how it began. But she’s a bish anyway. I don’t like her shoes neither.

 

Stupid Sh*t Married Female Friends Say

  • Being alone is cool!” Oh, really, Stacey? You think so, do you? Then how come you’ve been constantly dating since you were 12.
  • “You’ve got to learn to be comfortable alone!” Oh, really, Stacey? More wisdom about being alone, huh?  How f*cking insightful of you, Stacey! Look, if I wasn’t comfortable being alone then I probably wouldn’t be alone, would I?
  • “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone!” First, Stacey, I’m not worried, so you can stop worrying that I’m worried, ok? Secondly, Stacey, I’m not trying to find “someone”, if I wanted “someone” I could just go scour the local bars, ok Stacey?
  • “There’s more to life than finding a man!” Really, Stacey? I hadn’t noticed.
  • “Men just don’t realise how wonderful you are!” WTF, Stacey, I’m busy building a time machine, I don’t give a sh*t!
  • “It’s good that you have such high standards!” Opens can of beer and starts drinking.
  • “Use this time to learn about yourself!” I’m 30-odd Stacey, I think I know where my clitoris is now, but thanks for caring.
  • “Uncertainty breeds opportunity!” Stacey…. Is this another one of those dumb quotes you found on Tumblr or something?
  • “Learn to love yourself!” Shut the f*ck up, Stacey!
  • “There’s plenty of fish in the sea!” Stacey, d’ya think Todd would mind if I drowned you in the pool?