Trying To Get Ahead

Have you noticed how hard it is to get ahead in life? Not for all of us, of course, just some of us… :side-eyes:

Most of the people I know seem to be doing fine. Perhaps it’s a case of grass-is-greener syndrome but…

I know one woman who lives in a beautiful big house with lots of land and she doesn’t have to work and can spend all day brushing her hair because her husband has a good job. She even had the opportunity to move to Australia with him but turned it down. Because her life is so great that, well, it’s just too great and maybe she doesn’t want to overdose on the greatness by taking up such a great opportunity! We should all be so lucky!

Several people in my circle popped out kids to get boyfriend-and-welfare-money, they don’t work and live practically for free.

Some acquaintances of mine – younger than me (how dare they be younger than me!) – have mortgages, cars, families, constant emotional support, and seemingly endless amounts of cash (I need to find where they’re hiding those money trees…).

Other people I see are always getting promoted and are so popular and everyone loves them because they suck ass all day and tell people what they want to hear. They are always being given fantastic opportunities, some of which they turn down, because they can afford to.

I, however… and no, I’m not being self-pitying, just stating some facts… have had to work shitty jobs my entire life, never had a promotion, can’t afford to get a mortgage, can’t afford to buy a car, or any of the other perks that other people seem to have. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong?

I know, I know, I could’ve been born with no arms or legs, I should be grateful. But, y’know, when you look around and you see people living a certain way and you think… HOW!? How did you get that life? And why can’t I get that life? What is your secret?

We compare ourselves with the people we see around us, if they all have X, Y, Z, we feel we should also have X, Y, Z and… why don’t we? Then you start to panic and worry you’re getting left behind. And you wonder… why?! What am I doing wrong?!

Over the last two years, I’ve been trying to test fate and actually make something of my life. But, you know what? Everything I try just falls apart. My friends don’t have to fight for what they want, they just get it. I fight for it and still don’t get it.

I did teacher training but now that’s finished I’m jobless (school’s out for summer, Alice Cooper says so) and sleeping on someone’s sofa at the age of 30-something. I have no home, no car, no kids, no loving supportive boyfriend, my friends ignore me unless they want something, I’m stuck indoors all the time and rapidly incurring debt. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong!!! :frantically squeezes stress ball:

I know what you’re thinking: “You know what, Alice? Maybe you have a bad attitude…” You’re right, I do have a bad attitude! But, er, well, so does Donald Trump (god, I hate Donald Trump!) and people put him in charge of a country…, so…, y’know, I don’t think being Mary Poppins is necessarily going to change my situation.

I’m struggling to stay motivated when I keep getting hit with road blocks. Doubt is starting to creep in… Maybe everyone’s right about me… maybe I’m useless…

My whole life, people have said:

“No, you can’t do this”, “No, you can’t do that”, “That’s too hard for you,” “You’re stupid”, “We received stronger candidates”, “It was very competitive”, “You’re useless”, “You suck!”, “You’re not quite good enough”.

People say you gotta believe in yourself. But it’s kinda hard to believe in yourself when everyone’s telling you you’re not good enough. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us, someone to have our back and tell us, “You can do it, you got this!”

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Trying to Finish My Stupid Book

I’ve been writing this stupid book for the past four years and every year I tell myself it’ll be done for my birthday in summer (that year). Four years later, it’s still not done and I’m super-p*ssed with myself. Of course, I’m very busy with my life now because I’m doing teacher training but I wasn’t particularly busy 2 years ago and don’t understand why I didn’t get my act together and finish it then. I mean, it should have only taken a year for Christ’s sake! Gah, why do I  suck at everything?!

Now, because my schedule is so crazy, I struggle to find time to work on it. But, I really, really want it to be done before my birthday because I don’t want to go another year saying….”next summer…” and I would feel like the biggest loser ever! But I’ve only got a few months to finish it – how da fuq!?

One of my wishes for my 30s was to write a book every year. I’m behind with that schedule but if I could get this book out before my 32nd birthday then……… if I write 2 in my 32nd year…….. (Lol, like if I suddenly get a rocket up my ass!) then…..I can catch up, right?!

Anyone got a rocket I can borrow?

Goals have become important to me in my 30s because I had loads of goals in my 20s that I never achieved and I ended up just procrastinating my 20s away – Damn! Damn! Damn! – I wasted the best years of my life, what an ass!

So this is why it’s so important for me to get the book done before my birthday. And, no, it’s not about selling copies or getting accolades or whatever. Besides, I write non-fiction, which everyone hates so it’s not about popularity either. It’s about personal achievement, self-fulfilment… I just want to have a nice stack of books that I wrote and I can show them off to…. erm… my cat. Sagan would be seriously impressed (if he lives long enough to see this happen…).

But I’m still not as motivated as I need to be. I don’t know where some people find the time to do 500 things at once! Even when I try, I’m just not a quick worker! One guy I know does so many things with his time and I wish I could observe him to see how he fits it all in. He must just throw everything together. But he must! Because: how da fuq?! Maybe that’s what I need to do…. How do you do that? The irony is my work often looks thrown together anyway even though I spend a thousand hours on it, so I guess I should try it.I probably need to change my whole approach and attitude but I have no idea how to do that…