Trying To Get Ahead

Have you noticed how hard it is to get ahead in life? Not for all of us, of course, just some of us… :side-eyes:

Most of the people I know seem to be doing fine. Perhaps it’s a case of grass-is-greener syndrome but…

I know one woman who lives in a beautiful big house with lots of land and she doesn’t have to work and can spend all day brushing her hair because her boyfriend has a good job. She even had the opportunity to move abroad with him but turned it down. Because her life is so great that, well, it’s just too great and maybe she doesn’t want to overdose on the greatness by taking up such a great opportunity! We should all be so lucky!

Several people in my circle popped out kids to get boyfriend-and-welfare-money, they don’t work and live practically for free.

Some acquaintances of mine – younger than me (how dare they be younger than me!) – have mortgages, cars, families, constant emotional support, and seemingly endless amounts of cash (I need to find where they’re hiding those money trees…).

Other people I see are always getting promoted and are so popular and everyone loves them because they suck ass all day and tell people what they want to hear. They are always being given fantastic opportunities, some of which they turn down, because they can afford to.

I, however… and no, I’m not being self-pitying, just stating some facts… have had to work shitty jobs my entire life, never had a promotion, can’t afford to get a mortgage, can’t afford to buy a car, or any of the other perks that other people seem to have. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong?

I know, I know, I could’ve been born with no arms or legs, I should be grateful. But, y’know, when you look around and you see people living a certain way and you think… HOW!? How did you get that life? And why can’t I get that life? What is your secret?

We compare ourselves with the people we see around us, if they all have X, Y, Z, we feel we should also have X, Y, Z and… why don’t we? Then you start to panic and worry you’re getting left behind. And you wonder… why?! What am I doing wrong?!

Over the last two years, I’ve been trying to test fate and actually make something of my life. But, you know what? Everything I try just falls apart. My friends don’t have to fight for what they want, they just get it. I fight for it and still don’t get it.

I did teacher training but now that’s finished I’m jobless (school’s out for summer, Alice Cooper says so) and sleeping on someone’s sofa at the age of 30-something. I have no home, no car, no kids, no loving supportive boyfriend, my friends ignore me unless they want something, I’m stuck indoors all the time and rapidly incurring debt. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong!!! :frantically squeezes stress ball:

I know what you’re thinking: “You know what, Aliquo? Maybe you have a bad attitude…” You’re right, I do have a bad attitude! But, er, well, so does Donald Trump (god, I hate Donald Trump!) and people put him in charge of a country…, so…, y’know, I don’t think being Mary Poppins is necessarily going to change my situation.

Now, I really wanna do a Masters degree to improve my life prospects. But since I’m only going to do ONE Masters Degree in my life AND it’s 9 months I will never get back, I chose a Masters that would interest me, challenge me and hopefully be a good money earner. Unfortunately, it involves some maths, which I’m not very good at. And I am teetering on the edge of failing my application because I have to do a math aptitude test and I’m now on my third attempt of the damn math aptitude test.

I fear they’re gonna veto me at any moment, because they don’t want fail statistics – but, of course, they still want my money! So I fear they’re gonna drop me down onto the Retard Masters, “for simple people who can’t do stuff” :cries: I know I can learn this math stuff, if they just give me a chance! :toddler tantrum: but that chance seems to be slipping away.

I’m struggling to stay motivated on my third round of this damn test. Doubt is starting to creep in. Maybe everyone’s right about me… maybe I’m useless…

My whole life, people have said:

“No, you can’t do this”, “No, you can’t do that”, “That’s too hard for you,” “You’re stupid”, “We received stronger candidates”, “It was very competitive”, “You’re useless”, “You suck!”, “You’re not quite good enough”.

People say you gotta believe in yourself. But it’s actually kinda hard to believe in yourself when everyone’s telling you you’re not good enough. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us, someone to say “You got this!” I wish someone would believe in me. Just once.

Accepting Defeat (drawing challenge)

(*That’s the state of my pencil after this week!) Well, on my side of the world, there’s like 2 hours left of the #OneWeek100People2017 challenge to draw 100 people in 5 days and – eh – I give up! Actually, I gave up on Thursday after number 65 just looked like a scribble. I only got 10 people drawn on Wednesday so on Thursday I thought, gee, I gotta do 30 people! I was about 10 in and realized that far from improving my drawing, I was actually getting considerably worse.

I’m not at the skill level where I can accurately draw a person in 5 minutes, I’m still learning proportions and stuff so… I give up! I’m done! I’m handing in my glove! (Or is that pencil…?) Drawing more does not automatically mean drawing better. I don’t know the methodology of drawing people so…. I think I need to learn more about actual techniques before I can improve.

It has been an interesting experience though and I’ve enjoyed seeing other (better) people’s work this week and getting to chat and connect with some cool artists. Well done to those of you who have stuck with the challenge. I think I’m gonna put my pencils away for a while since I have a lot of teaching work to do over the next few weeks and need to catch up with my other interests: Python coding and writing.

Hope y’all have a great weekend!

Trying to Finish My Stupid Book

I’ve been writing this stupid book for the past four years and every year I tell myself it’ll be done for my birthday in summer (that year). Four years later, it’s still not done and I’m super-p*ssed with myself. Of course, I’m very busy with my life now because I’m doing teacher training but I wasn’t particularly busy 2 years ago and don’t understand why I didn’t get my act together and finish it then. I mean, it should have only taken a year for Christ’s sake! Gah, why do I  suck at everything?!

Now, because my schedule is so crazy, I struggle to find time to work on it. But, I really, really want it to be done before my birthday because I don’t want to go another year saying….”next summer…” and I would feel like the biggest loser ever! But I’ve only got a few months to finish it – how da fuq!?

One of my wishes for my 30s was to write a book every year. I’m behind with that schedule but if I could get this book out before my 32nd birthday then……… if I write 2 in my 32nd year…….. (Lol, like if I suddenly get a rocket up my ass!) then…..I can catch up, right?!

Anyone got a rocket I can borrow?

Goals have become important to me in my 30s because I had loads of goals in my 20s that I never achieved and I ended up just procrastinating my 20s away – Damn! Damn! Damn! – I wasted the best years of my life, what an ass!

So this is why it’s so important for me to get the book done before my birthday. And, no, it’s not about selling copies or getting accolades or whatever. Besides, I write non-fiction, which everyone hates so it’s not about popularity either. It’s about personal achievement, self-fulfilment… I just want to have a nice stack of books that I wrote and I can show them off to…. erm… my cat. Sagan would be seriously impressed (if he lives long enough to see this happen…).

But I’m still not as motivated as I need to be. I don’t know where some people find the time to do 500 things at once! Even when I try, I’m just not a quick worker! One guy I know does so many things with his time and I wish I could observe him to see how he fits it all in. He must just throw everything together. But he must! Because: how da fuq?! Maybe that’s what I need to do…. How do you do that? The irony is my work often looks thrown together anyway even though I spend a thousand hours on it, so I guess I should try it.I probably need to change my whole approach and attitude but I have no idea how to do that…