Tht Grammarly Advert Is Annoying

Oops, I meant That Grammarly Advert Is Annoying. You know the one I mean, right? What do you mean, they’re all annoying? Ok, you’re right! But this one, especially so!

Backstory: Ok, so, sometimes I’m on YouTube and because YouTube is owned by Satan, they force me to watch these evil advertisements. And despite turning personalized ads off 17 hundred times I still get personalized ads, right? Because: Pfff! So anyway, since I’m a teacher, I get all kinds of crap about… well… Grammarly.

So I keep seeing this ad, right? Follow along now…. while it’s still available…. don’t wanna miss out on all the fuuuuun….

Ok, so here’s this lil white hipster with perfect teeth and a rich dad. And she’s like 12 years old, lives in a $1 million apartment and has the whitest name Grammarly could think of: “Lily”. What even-? She’s the new Social Media Manager :slow-fucking-clap: Not the new intern, ok? The new manager. Stay with me. So, there she is at the computer…, “managing”, if we dare call it that :raised eyebrow:

[Scene 1, Act 1]
Lily: La-de-da, type-e-type-e-whitey…

Stereotypically hunky male co-worker with deep husky voice: “Oh no, look, Lily-Wily (can I call you Lily-Wily?), our servers are down! By the way, my name’s Todd, maybe we can go for vanilla milkshakes later at the White Cafe, you know the place, with the white tables and chairs… they serve rice and cauliflower and…. stuff…?” :smouldering look:

Lily’s like: “Sure… but, oh no! The servers are down! How will I cope with the biggest challenge of my entire life… responding to Twitter comments. Not just any Twitter comments! Twitter comments with angry emojis in them!”

:gasp: The struggle is real.

All she’s doing is responding to twitter comments? She’s a manager and that’s her job?

Is that even a job? Are you srrious? Oops, I mean, serious. Thank you Grammarly for saving my life :big fake slow-motion smile complete with hair swish: People get paid to respond to Twitter comments?! If she’s the Social Media Manager then what does the Social Media Assistant do? Insert emojis…? Turn the computer on and off again…? Staple shit…?

And “Lily”, by the way, is in an office that doesn’t look like it hires managers on the cheap. I mean, have you seen the expensive furniture and the exotic plants?! So…, I can only conclude: she’s on a six-figure salary. To respond to Twitter comments. Okay, fine, whatever! Obviously, long ago (when Grammarly was created), I slipped into some sort of alternate dimension where everything is… just… insane!

Ok, now, Grammarly is a load of bullshit because… a, b, c – where do I even begin! Does Grammarly and the people who buy Grammarly not know that most computers have like an automatic spell-checker thingy? I don’t know where it is or exactly who is controlling it… :looks under and behind computer: all I know is when I type stuff on the internet it automatically highlights spelling errors for me like an invisible lil buddy. Aww! Some of my devices even auto-correct. That’s why the term “auto-correct” exists because that is an actual thing that exists… And I’m going to assume most people have this or some other free alternative to Grammarly, because: common sense. And I didn’t have to pay rich white people for it (grammar, nor common sense).

Ok, next thing is, watch the ad closely…. closely… Lily is spending like HALF AN HOUR correcting the FIVE MILLION typos she made. It’s a 4-step process: she has to direct her mouse to the typo, right click, find the correct word (does she even know…? Shhh, don’t distract her, she’s concentrating very very hard…) then click the correct word and “Yay!” she applauds herself for being so goshdarn smart! But she has to do this for every single typo she has and…

Ok, this is the next part that gets me: she made tons of typos in a 160-character comment! Not just one comment either, every.single.comment she wrote! How the hell did she get that job in the first place if her grammar is that bad?!

Ok, I’m done. Time for my weekly mental breakdown…

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Sometimes A Change Of Perspective Is All You Need

So, I mentioned previously how I’ve been trying to get my 4-year-old book finished. Not my 4-year-old’s book. I don’t have kids. Children are the spawn of Satan.

Anyway… glad we cleared that up… so anyway…

Recap: 4 years ago I started a book; 4 years later it still isn’t done. And finishing it has been my goal for every summer for the past 4 years.  This summer is really like: “Get it done or I’m burning it!” I mean, I’m sick of looking at this now!

So, let me skip back to January briefly: I had 20 chapters of hot mess and no motivation.

Beginning of February: I knew it was too bloated so I hacked off 8 chapters. I felt motivated!

But then… it was still 12 chapters of hot mess so I lost motivation again.

Last week I was feeling ready to throw it out the window.

But, along comes this guy I know – Successful Guy (TM). I mean, he wins at life and makes me feel like a massive loser. But I like to hang out with him to try to sponge off whatever good vibes he’s got going on.

So, I went on this long rant to him about my book and in one word (or two…) he gave what was ultimately the simplest and best advice ever but for some reason I hadn’t thought of it: “Sub-headings” he said matter-of-factly over the rim of his cappuccino.

Sub-headings! Why the F didn’t I think of that?! Man, I was so motivated after talking to him (and I’m usually about as motivated as Grumpy Cat), I immediately went to the library and printed off one-third of my book…

The idea is I’m just gonna tackle it as 3 sections, I’m gonna spread it all over my floor and get out highlighters and colored pens and get my sub-headings in, and bullet points, and wrestle this tiger!

I’ve already started on the first third and – wow! – suddenly things are coming together! And all it took was a change of perspective. Where previously each chapter was some big, untameable beast, they’re now contained into neat, happy little sub-sections. And it’s had the added benefit of improving the readability and design of my book (I’m also adding some pictures, which helps too!).  I had previously started to hate it ‘cause it was just a big black and white lump but the hate is fading now it’s starting to look like something concise.

I’m not usually good at advice but there’s some: if you have some project you’ve been fiddling with for x years: change your perspective, think of how you can look at it in a new way than before – ask people for advice. It’s funny how just talking to people sometimes can clue you into something when you can’t see the woods for the trees.

Now all I wish is that I could just write and create all day and didn’t have to go do boring grown-up stuff!