Forgiveness is a Noun not a Verb

Look, I’m like the least forgiving person on Earth. I don’t do “forgiveness”. But it seems to be really popular these days, I keep coming across this bizarre concept all over the internet when I’m looking for advice on revenge. But there’s something a lot of these “forgiving” people are getting wrong…

My advice to the forgive and forgetters is: if you truly wanna be all forgiving… that’s fine – but you gotta take note: forgiveness is a noun not a verb. What I mean is that forgiveness is a concrete, solid thing – like a big boulder or something. It’s a commitment you make to yourself – yourself, yourself – not other people – to improve the condition of your soul. You can’t just say you forgive someone and magically you acquire inner peace or something, it don’t work that way.

There was this chick the other day, prattling on about her ex for an hour and a half, and then she ended by saying, “But, of course, I forgive him”. Well… if she’d forgiven him she wouldn’t have just wasted 1.5 hours of her precious existence talking about how much she hates him. Think of all the things she could’ve done with that hour and a half…!

In 1.5 hours you can:

  • Learn to say “I love you” in 10 languages
  • Paint a beautiful picture
  • Learn how to play “Let It Be” by The Beatles on guitar
  • Learn how to make a Spanish omelette and actually make one and eat the damn thing – twice!

What a wasted opportunity!

I know that applies to me too, I’ve wasted at least – at least! – um… 7 years, on revenge, and that other fun “R” word: Regret. I could’ve become a Guitar Hero in that length of time! But, hey, I accept my fate, because verb-ing it doesn’t make it so and I can’t turn it into a noun unless I have some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment done on my brain.

If you can forgive and forget the people who’ve wrong you then good on you, think of all the Spanish omelettes you can make with your ample free time! Just make sure your behavior is matching the words coming out of your mouth otherwise you’ll have to come join me on the Raft of Revenge, and no “Let It Be” for you!

 

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This Funkin White Girl!

God, there’s this girl at my placement who is so funkin white! I mean, I don’t just dislike her cause she’s white, cause I’m white so that would be dumb but what non-whites don’t realize is there are many shades of white. Since I started being around more people from diverse backgrounds, I’ve noticed how white some white people are – not just in person but on TV, the internet, Google image results – it’s like damn, I am blinded by the white! And you know when people say “Becky” or – one I like to include : “Stacey”? Ok, well this white girl is Becky/Stacey on white girl drugs.

She did this presentation to the class and it was the whitest thing I have ever seen since the last super-white thing I saw.  I personally think in todays multicultural world, there is no room for this Stacey/Becky BS, this white-washing of everything.

Ok, let me get to the nitty-gritty before y’all cuss me to hell and back. So she did this presentation and all the pictures in the presentation were of super-white people. Not just white people. They weren’t just white. They were super-white. Like I needed sunglasses to protect my eyes from the blinding white. Like these were pictures of white people who you just know have a mortgage and they got the 2 perfect white kids and a real, friendly white labradoodle and a neat little white picket fence and a joint back account with some really white bank and their super-well-behaved white kids go to the super-good white school and they have a white Range Rover parked on the white marble driveway and they have bbq’s with like vegan sh*t and their super-white neighbors with their equally perfect white kids come over and everything is all very pleasant and no one swears, and then they have vanilla ice cream and sh*t.

And then this presentation had a story in it and I swear to you, it was the whitest story ever! It was some bs like “Todd and Stacey are watching [super-white-people-movie] then Todd says [super-white-people-sh*t] and Stacey says [equally super-white-people-sh*t] and then they both do [super-white-people-sh*t].

Even down to the food they were eating was like super-white-people food. I was like, does this bish not notice how white her presentation is? There is no color in this at all. At all! At all! It wasn’t diverse, it was just white, like the presentation was made in some alternate universe where only white people exist. It was some Pear Soap sh*t.

And she just p*sses me off anyway so I find fault with everything she does. Has anyone ever p*ssed you off and then everything they do p*sses you off? Like the way they walk starts to p*ss you off? Or the way they say a certain word starts to p*ss you off? That’s how I feel about this bish. I don’t even remember quite how it began. But she’s a bish anyway. I don’t like her shoes neither.

 

Open Letter to a Married Female Friend

Dear Stacey,

I hate you. Oh, by the way, I also hate your husband, Todd. I hate you both. Do you know why I hate you both, Stacey? Because you’re so f***ing perfect. Even your damn names are perfect! Todd & Stacey. Stacey & Todd. Wtf?! You and your perfect husband with your perfect jobs and your perfect lives and your perfect car in your perfect garage in your perfect house with it’s perfect “matching colors” kitchen with your perfect “His & Hers” coffee mugs to fill with freshly ground organic coffee from your perfect coffee machine and then sit on your perfect deck in your perfect garden and say “Hi” to your perfect neighbors in your perfect neighborhood. How is this even real?!

Stacey, people like you are supposed to only exist in fictional stories. In fact, it’s like you just stepped right out of a Fairytale and came to life. How do things like this happen, Stacey? What cosmic occurrence lead to the string of events that lead to people like you and Todd existing? Why did every single thing in your life go so wonderfully, perfectly right, Stacey?

Why?!

Do you know what “worry” is, Stacey? No, you don’t. Do you know what “bills” are? Of course you don’t! Your perfect, rich, successful husband deals with all the bills so you never have to worry your pretty little head about it. You’re only stressed because you have so many champagne luncheons to go to and parties to throw and invites to send and how will you ever have the time to fit in your horse-riding and Pilates classes?  That’s like your idea of Defcon 5, isn’t it, Stacey? You can’t even fathom real problems!

I can only dream of your life, Stacey. Well, actually, no, that’s not quite true because I’m your friend so I have to watch you live your wonderfully, smooth and glossy, picture-perfect life while I sit on the other side of the fence with my broken life and broken teeth and broken heart, hoping I’ll be able to find some broken man and afford a broken shack in Crimesville sometime before I die of malnourishment or murder.

I hate you, Stacey. Because you have choices. You’ve always had choices, from the moment you were born. Who do I want to be friends with? What toys do I want for Christmas? What clothes shall I wear? Do I want a brown pony or a white pony? Where do I want to study? Which car do I want daddy to buy me for my 17th birthday? Who do I want to date? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to marry? You got to CHOOSE all these things, Stacey! You didn’t have to work for anything, you didn’t have to fight for anything, you didn’t have to settle for second best – or third, or fourth – you didn’t have to accept acceptable or deal with endless disappointment and rejection.

Ever.

You don’t even know what disappointment and rejection are. You’d have to look them up in the dictionary. You don’t know what it’s like to go without something, to long for something you can never, ever have. Every single thing just worked out so hot damn wonderfully for you, didn’t it, Stacey? Why?! What makes you so deserving of a wonderful life? And worst of all, because you were born into it, you don’t even comprehend how fantastic it is! You sit there and complain that your cinnamon spiced chai latte isn’t “chai” enough. Wtf, Stacey?!

F*** you, Stacey!

P.S. See you next weekend.

Love,

Your friend, Aliquo.

 

 

Stupid Sh*t Married Female Friends Say

  • Being alone is cool!” Oh, really, Stacey? You think so, do you? Then how come you’ve been constantly dating since you were 12.
  • “You’ve got to learn to be comfortable alone!” Oh, really, Stacey? More wisdom about being alone, huh?  How f*cking insightful of you, Stacey! Look, if I wasn’t comfortable being alone then I probably wouldn’t be alone, would I?
  • “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone!” First, Stacey, I’m not worried, so you can stop worrying that I’m worried, ok? Secondly, Stacey, I’m not trying to find “someone”, if I wanted “someone” I could just go scour the local bars, ok Stacey?
  • “There’s more to life than finding a man!” Really, Stacey? I hadn’t noticed.
  • “Men just don’t realise how wonderful you are!” WTF, Stacey, I’m busy building a time machine, I don’t give a sh*t!
  • “It’s good that you have such high standards!” Opens can of beer and starts drinking.
  • “Use this time to learn about yourself!” I’m 30-odd Stacey, I think I know where my clitoris is now, but thanks for caring.
  • “Uncertainty breeds opportunity!” Stacey…. Is this another one of those dumb quotes you found on Tumblr or something?
  • “Learn to love yourself!” Shut the f*ck up, Stacey!
  • “There’s plenty of fish in the sea!” Stacey, d’ya think Todd would mind if I drowned you in the pool?