Thoughts About London… and A Guy

In September I head to London to do my Masters degree but I’m really nervous about going. I don’t know if it’s the right decision. Already in life, I’ve made so many mistakes – I can’t afford to make more! Unfortunately we don’t always know what the right path is. Life doesn’t necessarily give us a clue, there aren’t always big, glowing “right way!” signs to stop us making stupid, irreversible mistakes.

I’ve always wanted to live in London – not forever, just long enough to say I was there. And this year is really my only opportunity to do that… I just worry. Because I have limited finances, I’m technically going to be homeless in the big city. But really that would apply anywhere. And I can’t stay where I am now, that’s not an option. I have to move somewhere, it may as well be London.

But I worry…
What if I fail my Masters course and end up financially and emotionally broke with nothing to show for it?

What if I hate the basic accommodation I’m gonna be sharing with 50 other people and I go insane?

What if I don’t make any friends and remain lonely?

What if I can’t find work to find around my studies?

What if I burn out from trying to work and study?

What if this path eventually leads me to being a broke, old, crazy cat lady who lives in a shed and tells people “That was the moment I ruined my life!”?megcrying:gulp:

What if I never meet anyone like… him… again?

I threw away a sort of great beginning with a guy to do this move. Now, to be honest, I have no idea what his long-term plans were and whether they involved me. He was really sketchy about things – which is probably a clue that no, I was not a part of his plans. But I wish I hadn’t dropped the “moving to London” bomb on him so soon, maybe he took that the wrong way like I didn’t want him in my life.

I have a lot of unanswered questions about him which will forever remain unanswered. I’d never felt so much for a guy, I was so protective of him – not jealous, I mean I cared about his well-being (whereas my other boyfriends I used to silently wish would choke on their food).

I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. Maybe that’s good. Maybe he was an asshole in disguise. Maybe he would have ruined my life. I mean would I really have wanted to be his wife and live with him in Punxsutawny, Pissville forever? Cause I know he wasn’t geographically adventurous like me and I know his views on women were kinda “traditional”. Ahh, I don’t know. And I’ll never know.

And that’s another thing that’s got me worried. Did I just throw away the best thing that had ever happened to me cause of some stupid dream of being a computer scientist in London? Am I crazy? Or am I actually not crazy at all and doing exactly what I’m supposed to do?

Maybe THIS is the path that leads to true enlightenment and I’ll find myself a happy, loved old lady telling people, “That was the best decision I ever made!”

I have no freaking idea! And it’s driving me crazy! I need a sign, dammit!

Roughly a year from today, I’m either gonna be graduating from my Masters and feeling pretty good about the future… or I’m gonna be fucked! It’s really a coin toss right now…

 

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Forgiveness is a Noun not a Verb

Look, I’m like the least forgiving person on Earth. I don’t do “forgiveness”. But it seems to be really popular these days, I keep coming across this bizarre concept all over the internet when I’m looking for advice on revenge. But there’s something a lot of these “forgiving” people are getting wrong…

My advice to the forgive and forgetters is: if you truly wanna be all forgiving… that’s fine – but you gotta take note: forgiveness is a noun not a verb. What I mean is that forgiveness is a concrete, solid thing – like a big boulder or something. It’s a commitment you make to yourself – yourself, yourself – not other people – to improve the condition of your soul. You can’t just say you forgive someone and magically you acquire inner peace or something, it don’t work that way.

There was this chick the other day, prattling on about her ex for an hour and a half, and then she ended by saying, “But, of course, I forgive him”. Well… if she’d forgiven him she wouldn’t have just wasted 1.5 hours of her precious existence talking about how much she hates him. Think of all the things she could’ve done with that hour and a half…!

In 1.5 hours you can:

  • Learn to say “I love you” in 10 languages
  • Paint a beautiful picture
  • Learn how to play “Let It Be” by The Beatles on guitar
  • Learn how to make a Spanish omelette and actually make one and eat the damn thing – twice!

What a wasted opportunity!

I know that applies to me too, I’ve wasted at least – at least! – um… 7 years, on revenge, and that other fun “R” word: Regret. I could’ve become a Guitar Hero in that length of time! But, hey, I accept my fate, because verb-ing it doesn’t make it so and I can’t turn it into a noun unless I have some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment done on my brain.

If you can forgive and forget the people who’ve wrong you then good on you, think of all the Spanish omelettes you can make with your ample free time! Just make sure your behavior is matching the words coming out of your mouth otherwise you’ll have to come join me on the Raft of Revenge, and no “Let It Be” for you!